hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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