Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
