These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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