Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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