We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
