Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
