I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
