I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
