i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
