were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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