And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
