tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
