My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
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You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
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We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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