And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
