I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
