it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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