i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
