he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
