we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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