Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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