You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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