he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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