I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
