So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
