this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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