I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I will die if light touches me.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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