I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
