im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
