totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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