Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
