Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
