Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
