im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
