my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
