You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
