I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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