Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
