I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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