I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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