He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
