The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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