you're like a bully in the Christmas story
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
