I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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