Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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