What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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