Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
