he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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