i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
