OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
