I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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