He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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