someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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