I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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