All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
