My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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