how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
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There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize