Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize