You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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