he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
