It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
