I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
