So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
