GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
