Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
